For Your Health

The next time you go to poison yourself to death go with the organic poison. You know- the non genetically modified, additive free stuff. Sure it'll cost you a little more but it's worth it. We're talking about your body here. And the peace of mind that comes from knowing that you're being killed by pure, unadulterated, poison and not by chemical additives and toxic carcinogens.

Number Two

Homeless dudes are the new cops. At first it took me a while to get used to the idea of entrusting our public safety to a guy that I've watched pee himself in plain view on a public sidewalk, but I'm coming around. Whether it's the vagrant shouting instructions to firemen as they try to extinguish a burning apartment or the hobo that helps to direct me out of a parking space, I've come to appreciate the unending public service of the tweaked out, minimally sane, homeless guy. Don't get me wrong, there was a time when I considered their meddling to be something of a nuisance or worse dangerous. But recently, after being instructed to get my bicycle off of the sidewalk by a passing bag lady I've come to realize that they have only our best interests in mind. And with that I extend my deepest gratitude to you homeless guy. Oh and please stop shitting behind the lamp post on Navy Street. It's a post. We can see you.

Oh YEAH?!?

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